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In A Dark Heart We Trust

We all long for love that is unconditional, a state of being all our own. We strive to understand who we are, the face behind the masquerade we’ve always shown. We long to be ourselves but being wanted is a stronger drug. We pretend in order to be liked, tucked into our façade so snug. There comes a time we must awaken and shake off the dust. It’s time we listened to our spirit, IN A DARK HEART WE TRUST.

I am haunted by the ghost of who I should be and who I want to be. You want more from me than I can give. I am smothered by love that feels like agony, and you only hunger for more. I am ashamed of what you do to me, who I become when we’re together. I don’t recognize the man staring back at me in the mirror. You weigh down on me like an avalanche, burying me, slowly killing me. You suffocate me with the PRESSURE of being perfect. But it is your idea of perfect – not mine.

You can’t be serious. Surely this is a game you are far too skilled at playing. I give my all to you but receive nothing in return. You were once so loving, so passionate, and so endearing. You loved me with all of you, and you gave me your heart to bear. I took it gladly and offered mine in exchange. We were once one, two people madly in love. I once recognized your soul, now I do not recognize your face. I thought I knew you, but now I don’t know. Tell me, please, for it cannot be true: IS THIS WHO YOU ARE?

I let you see the real me, and it was not good enough for you. You took me at my weakest and shattered me. You abused my vulnerability. I opened up my heart to you, raw and defenseless, and you spat on it. I showed you who I was BEHIND CLOSED DOORS and you forced me to change. I was never what you wanted, only an idea of what you desired. You changed me, altered me to my core, but I can no longer be this fake identity you created. I must embrace who I really am, without you corrupting me.

I did no such thing, it’s your job that changed you. I loved you as you were, but I watched you change before my eyes. Every morning you left with a smile, and every evening you came home but a shell of the man I loved. You were everything to me, but your job sapped your spirit from you. If only you would GET A REAL JOB, we could be together. But your job was always more important to you than me, showing me how little I truly meant to you.

You always did divert the blame. I put up with it because you lit a fire in me that brought me to life. You were a beautiful mystery, a spark of passion, an ANGEL OF LIGHTNING. You came in a blaze of light, a flash so bright I was blinded by all else. You bathed me in a pleasure I never felt, caressed me with sweet nothings I had never heard. Your light blinded me to your darkness. I could not see your shadows, your demons. Your love was only a mask for your twisted hatred. You never truly loved me, only hunted what you could mold to your desire.

You speak of being hunted as if I am not the prey. You lured me, captured me, ensnared me in a game of your making. Like a wounded deer I fell right into your trap. I lay there weeping, weak, vulnerable, and you scooped me up with promises of mending me. Instead of fixing my broken heart, you only shattered it further. I trusted you with my soul, my very wounds, and you betrayed that trust. You found me when I was weak, trembling, afraid, and you abused that weakness. So, I ask you: are you the HUNTER OR PREY?

We can both agree that this love is toxic. Though our hearts beat together our minds clash like warriors. How can you be so soft on the eyes, yet prick so violently to the touch? When I take you into me, I feel the heavens part and the clouds surround us. But when we speak, your words are poison. The venom sinks into my skin and sickens me, but still I long to come back. This BARB WIRE LOVE will be the death of us both. We can no longer subject ourselves to this impossible romance.

It is you who speaks words of poison. I longed so desperately to feel love from you, but I only ever felt lust. I told you my dreams, my history, all that makes me who I am as a human being, but you only cared about my body. I wanted only to make you happy, so I gave in even when I did not want to. When I tried to talk to you, all I would hear you say is, “JUST UNDRESS.” It broke me. Am I nothing but a body to you? My soul loved yours, but it was only your body that fell in love with mine. My love was one of spirit, yours was only physical attraction.

We gave it a good try, but this is not for us. You changed me, and I changed you. Let us now walk away before it gets any uglier. My body did love yours, but that is not the extent of my feelings for you. I loved you once with all of me, but we can’t see eye to eye. We had our ONE SHOT OF LOVE, and that was all we needed to see that we don’t belong. We aren’t meant to be. We’re too toxic to one another, too much our own separate pieces to ever fit together as one. We thought what we felt was love, but it wasn’t built to last.

You promised me the world. You swore you would be my one, my only, my love for all my life. You said we would be together for ever. Was everything you ever told me a lie? Maybe you never really found me beautiful, or interesting, or smart. Maybe you’re too young, too immature to see what you could have had. AM I TOO OLD, that I would expect better from a man like you? No, I’m naïve to think you were all the things you said you were.

You never even knew the real me. It was all pretend. You thought you saw me, but I showed you only what you wanted to see. DID YOU REALLY KNOW MY NAME, or did you only know what you saw in your dreams? The real me is imperfect but loved you with everything I had. You knew nothing about me. I tried to be everything you wanted, tried to mold myself to be the perfect image of the man you wanted, but that wasn’t me. You never really knew me. You knew what I wanted you to know, what I was faking it so hard to be – for you.

It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? Now we can move on, each with our own demons to shoulder. You told me so many lies, broke so many promises. Well, now there are NO MORE PROMISES TO BREAK. You don’t get the privilege of telling them to me anymore. I walk away with my head held high, knowing your lies will be the burden of another girl down the line. I no longer have to worry about you stomping on my heart and shattering my world. This is the end for us. I hope you get everything you wanted that you couldn’t find with me.

Without you, I can breathe. There’s a sadness in my heart but I can ignore it; I know we’re better off apart. You were a flicker of light in my life, short-lived and quickly extinguished. I’ll miss our passion and the fire in your eyes, but I won’t miss you. I feel an AIR OF FREEDOM engulf me and it all seems so easy. I’m finally free to find myself, to discover who I really am. We were together as a lesson for each of us to learn, but nothing more. What we felt was real but forced and brief. I could never be what you wanted, and you could never be what I needed. I hope you get everything you wanted that I couldn’t give to you.